One Hour

Disclaimer: These events transpired about a week ago, but I had to wait for it to become "funny" enough to me to post this...read with caution.

One hour.

One errand.

That's all. 11:00 I drop John at church to work. 11:02 Stuck on the street I despise most due to a combination of construction & a fender bender. 11:15 Arrive at my destination. Park the car. Run through the plan in my head: run in, get what I need, & get out. 11:16 - Take a deep breath. Jump out of the car, load baby in stroller & take off. 11:18 - Enter mall & realize I've parked at the wrong end, but it's ok because I'm on the lower level, which is where I want to be. 11:22 - Arrive at store. 11:23 - Baby begins whining. 11:24 - After a quick lap, can't find what I'm looking for. Baby begins to wail. 11:25 - Pick up baby. Push stroller with one hand. 11:26 - Silently cursing stroller & wondering how fix the alignment on such a contraption. 11:28 - The Smell. Dear Precious Lord in Heaven, the SMELL. (Yes, that was literally my prayer at that moment.) 11:28 - Time to find a bathroom to clean up my snotty, poopy, crying baby. 11:29 - Exit store. Realize bathrooms are upstairs. I must walk to the far end of the mall to get to the elevator (the very situation I attempted to avoid by parking where I did). 11:30- Off I go, poopy baby on my hip, pushing rickety stroller with the other hand. Deep breaths- but not too deep, because that will only cause me to gag on the poop smell coming from my precious angel. 11:32 - I reach the elevator. Baby stops crying to enjoy the ride up. Whew! (cough, gag) 11:33 - Exit elevator, sending a silent apology to whoever walks in next to that horrific smell... 11:34 - I freeze in my speed-walking tracks realizing the diaper bag is in the car. Downstairs. At the other end of the mall. 11:35 - Back to elevator. 11:38 - Last ditch effort to save this trip. I dash back into the store & try to grab the item I need. It's no use. Baby screams & begins wiping his snot all over my shirt to let me know he means business. 11:39 - I give up. Begin sprint to the car. 11:40 - Put baby back in stroller so I can move faster. Baby screams. 11:44 - I make it to the car avoiding eye contact with each & every gaping person on the way. 11:45 - Throw the purse in the passenger seat, stroller in the back, & realize my car is still full of assorted items from cleaning out my classroom. Decide I'll have to change baby in the driver's seat. 11:46 - Baby is still screaming as I put him in the seat to change him. He smacks his head on the seatbelt & screams louder. I try to comfort him. 11:47 - Many things happen at once: I tear info he poopy diaper and holy crap. So. Much. Poop. I begin attacking the poop with a fist full of wipes as baby screams, and thrashes like some sort of big game fish. I hear a little girl a few cars down start crying. She tells her mom, "I can hear that baby crying and it's making me sad."

Wait.

What's that sound?

11:49- A fountain of pee has sprung up to face level gushing all over me, my baby, the front seat....I grab a wipe in an attempt to control the flow. 11:50- I am chanting, "I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry." as I stuff half dressed, soaking wet, screaming baby into his carseat. 11:51 - Drive back to church trying not to scream at someone's precious grandmother who is driving...well, like a precious grandmother in front of me on the highway. Instead I try to comfort my tired, hungry, nasty baby. 11:52. Exit & bite my lip to keep from cursing as I sit and wait for a tractor?!?! to move out of the road. 11:55 - Pull into the church parking lot, park in the fire lane, and yank open the back door to find...

sleeping baby.

I laugh a small maniacal laugh at the irony before carefully picking up sleeping baby & carrying him into church. 11:56- I oooooh soooooo geeeeentllllllly place him on the changing table, but to no avail. I have awoken the beast. 11:58 - I attempt to remove pee soaked clothing from angry baby & turn to see half the church staff standing in the doorway, most likely there to see if I am pulling my baby's toes off one by one (if the crying is any indication). I freeze in mortification. 11:59 - Our sweet children's director asks The Question: "Are you ok?" 12:00 - Commence meltdown. Nate runs away. I manage to choke out through the sobs, " It's ok, later this will be funny."

Let me sum up...

This week has been kinda like a roller coaster - not a big one, but maybe like a mini mine train or something - the kind that just keeps dragging you along, shaking you up occasionally as you go. First of all I took full advantage of last weekend being a long weekend. It was fabulous & I even got somewhat caught up on work stuff. Tuesday - I watched the inauguration with my 5th graders. My favorite comments: "Hey! George Bush's daughters are hot! You think they'd go out with me?" "Who is that lady in the crazy hat???" (I can't really argue with that one though, that was one big bow, Aretha!) Also, when they were introducing the former presidents, I asked the kids why they skipped the 40th & if they knew who he was. They agreed it was Martin Luther King... After school I had a meeting to plan a presentation for the school board in February. I am really excited about presenting, despite the nightmares I had that night about not being prepared or just making a fool of myself. Wednesday & Thursday - I had more meetings, but got a lot of tedious paperwork out of the way. My kiddos are definitely rebelling to the lack of structure over the last few weeks due to testing, my being out at meetings, and other random changes in the schedule. A lot of discipline issues are starting to pop up again, so hopefully next week we can get back in the groove. Friday - I survived. My kids hurt my feelings (although they don't know that) 'cause they were being so rude all morning. We all pulled it back together and had a productive afternoon, & I left after school to go to the doctor. The Dr. gave me a prescription for antibiotics, but then told me it might be a virus, so I should wait a couple days to see if it gets better on its own. Seriously?? I don't like making decisions when I'm sick - I just want someone to tell me what to do...time to call my Mommy. Today I'm hanging out in bed with my mountain of Kleenex, Lucy (she's great company when you're sick!) & the laptop. John's working all day w/ church meetings all morning & rehearsals all afternoon/evening. I'm praying for a miraculous healing & the ability to sing at church tomorrow, even though I can't talk today. So, we shall see!