Our Musicalhouse: epic fail

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

One Hour

Disclaimer: These events transpired about a week ago, but I had to wait for it to become "funny" enough to me to post this...read with caution.

One hour.

One errand.

That's all. 11:00 I drop John at church to work. 11:02 Stuck on the street I despise most due to a combination of construction & a fender bender. 11:15 Arrive at my destination. Park the car. Run through the plan in my head: run in, get what I need, & get out. 11:16 - Take a deep breath. Jump out of the car, load baby in stroller & take off. 11:18 - Enter mall & realize I've parked at the wrong end, but it's ok because I'm on the lower level, which is where I want to be. 11:22 - Arrive at store. 11:23 - Baby begins whining. 11:24 - After a quick lap, can't find what I'm looking for. Baby begins to wail. 11:25 - Pick up baby. Push stroller with one hand. 11:26 - Silently cursing stroller & wondering how fix the alignment on such a contraption. 11:28 - The Smell. Dear Precious Lord in Heaven, the SMELL. (Yes, that was literally my prayer at that moment.) 11:28 - Time to find a bathroom to clean up my snotty, poopy, crying baby. 11:29 - Exit store. Realize bathrooms are upstairs. I must walk to the far end of the mall to get to the elevator (the very situation I attempted to avoid by parking where I did). 11:30- Off I go, poopy baby on my hip, pushing rickety stroller with the other hand. Deep breaths- but not too deep, because that will only cause me to gag on the poop smell coming from my precious angel. 11:32 - I reach the elevator. Baby stops crying to enjoy the ride up. Whew! (cough, gag) 11:33 - Exit elevator, sending a silent apology to whoever walks in next to that horrific smell... 11:34 - I freeze in my speed-walking tracks realizing the diaper bag is in the car. Downstairs. At the other end of the mall. 11:35 - Back to elevator. 11:38 - Last ditch effort to save this trip. I dash back into the store & try to grab the item I need. It's no use. Baby screams & begins wiping his snot all over my shirt to let me know he means business. 11:39 - I give up. Begin sprint to the car. 11:40 - Put baby back in stroller so I can move faster. Baby screams. 11:44 - I make it to the car avoiding eye contact with each & every gaping person on the way. 11:45 - Throw the purse in the passenger seat, stroller in the back, & realize my car is still full of assorted items from cleaning out my classroom. Decide I'll have to change baby in the driver's seat. 11:46 - Baby is still screaming as I put him in the seat to change him. He smacks his head on the seatbelt & screams louder. I try to comfort him. 11:47 - Many things happen at once: I tear info he poopy diaper and holy crap. So. Much. Poop. I begin attacking the poop with a fist full of wipes as baby screams, and thrashes like some sort of big game fish. I hear a little girl a few cars down start crying. She tells her mom, "I can hear that baby crying and it's making me sad."

Wait.

What's that sound?

11:49- A fountain of pee has sprung up to face level gushing all over me, my baby, the front seat....I grab a wipe in an attempt to control the flow. 11:50- I am chanting, "I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry." as I stuff half dressed, soaking wet, screaming baby into his carseat. 11:51 - Drive back to church trying not to scream at someone's precious grandmother who is driving...well, like a precious grandmother in front of me on the highway. Instead I try to comfort my tired, hungry, nasty baby. 11:52. Exit & bite my lip to keep from cursing as I sit and wait for a tractor?!?! to move out of the road. 11:55 - Pull into the church parking lot, park in the fire lane, and yank open the back door to find...

sleeping baby.

I laugh a small maniacal laugh at the irony before carefully picking up sleeping baby & carrying him into church. 11:56- I oooooh soooooo geeeeentllllllly place him on the changing table, but to no avail. I have awoken the beast. 11:58 - I attempt to remove pee soaked clothing from angry baby & turn to see half the church staff standing in the doorway, most likely there to see if I am pulling my baby's toes off one by one (if the crying is any indication). I freeze in mortification. 11:59 - Our sweet children's director asks The Question: "Are you ok?" 12:00 - Commence meltdown. Nate runs away. I manage to choke out through the sobs, " It's ok, later this will be funny."

Verses from Philippians

1:21: For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
2:1-11: If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
2:14-15: Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.
3:7-8: But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.
3:12-14:Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.